


Questioning

by I_am_Clara_Oswald



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: (not very graphic), Implied/Referenced Character Death, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-01
Updated: 2017-12-01
Packaged: 2019-02-09 07:38:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12883176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_am_Clara_Oswald/pseuds/I_am_Clara_Oswald
Summary: For now though, my darling Kara, I must say goodbye. You have offered me so much, even if I cannot give in return. This past year has been the best year of my life. I’m so glad I got to spend it with you.Yours forever,Lena.





	Questioning

**Author's Note:**

> jussa vent so it's mostly words lol

Questioning.

That’s what Lena did best.

She questioned. She was a scientist after all, it was in her job description to question, to call out where she believed problems to be, or what she believed to be false information. So, of course, it was only in her nature to question the people around her. Not out loud, however. Because who wants to hear a girl continuously ask if everyone hates her, if they really mean that they care for her. If they really think she deserves to be alive. That last one. That was the one Lena had been questioning since she was 13 years old.

Did she deserve to be alive? She supposed no. What was her purpose? Did she even have one? Why was she born? Why was she _still_ alive?

Now, questioning such things at such an early age tends to mess up one’s mind, bringing in the feelings of worthlessness, sadness, the overwhelming fear for the future, and sometimes, thoughts that were far from pleasant.

It was winter, she was 13, and just realising she wasn’t straight after growing up in a family that never mentioned anything about anyone being different. So how was she to know that liking girls was quite a common and normal thing? How was she to know that, at the tender age of thirteen, she wasn’t supposed to be wondering if she deserved her spot on Earth?

At this same age she learnt about what feelings and emotions came alongside hurting yourself. The sudden realisation that people hurt themselves to feel something other than worthlessness was a wonder to young Lena. And so she started. It was one a first. It was a small line, mid forearm. A neat, tidy, and shallow red mark, blood barely coming to the surface. She stared at it, hands shaking from sheer nervousness. It’s not like anyone would see. But it changed nothing. She rolled down her sleeve and went to bed, thoughts drifting through her mind of a better life where she was ‘normal’.

She returned to this activity a few weeks later, having spent every night crying silently to herself, till the early hours of the morning when exhaustion would finally set in. This time it was hard. This time there were more lines. Her body now shaking from the dopamine release. The brain’s way of coping with the pain. She quickly associated drawing lines into her skin with happiness. A way for a break from the questions that torment her mind. A crutch to lean on when the realities of her life hovered over her head. A way to not feel like her. Her arms became littered.

As did her thighs, her stomach, her shoulders, her neck…

Lena Luthor had developed from a quiet, shy, scared younger girl, to a seemingly confident, professional young lady. She had become more adventurous in the ways she would harm herself. Going deeper every time. She realised that quick lines allowed her to create simultaneously less pain, but more at the same time. She had also learnt about the feeling of an empty stomach. It’s not that she didn’t know before, sometimes Lillian had forgotten about her existence, but this time it was because she wanted to feel empty, she wanted to have nothing in her stomach, as if to prove to herself that she was in control of her life. But as all stories go, we all know that none of us are ever in control, we just have the illusion.

And so Lena got worse. She couldn’t stop herself. She tried, she really did, but there was something so…therapeutic about the whole situation. But this wasn’t okay, even from the beginning. She sought out help, and she got it, but Lillian found out, and she stopped from sheer terror. Because if anyone were to turn this into a situation worse than the one currently, it was her. And that’s where she is now. 24 years old. Over 10 years later. She was no longer physically destructive. But she still had all the same mental problems as she did when she was 13. She was just destroying her mind this time.

Which brings us to now. Questioning. Kara had come into her life, and made a home there, albeit unexpectedly. She had shown Lena nothing but love and support, gaining her trust, and giving hers so willingly back (aside from the…Supergirl thing, but Lena knew Kara had her reasons for keeping it close to her chest). They would stay up till the early hours of the morning talking about anything and everything. Lena had confided to Kara about her childhood, and how it was anything but happy, but had immediately throw away they idea to _really_ talk to Kara about her thoughts when she was reminded that at 13, Kara had lost her entire planet and was somewhere strange. Lena’s situation was nothing like that. She had it amazingly in comparison. She questioned if she even deserved to feel lonely when Kara carried the burden that she did. She supposed she didn’t. But that would never stop her mind.

And so she wrote.

> _Hello Kara._
> 
> _It’s seems informal to start such a letter with a simple hello, but I believe if I started it with anything other, you would believe something was wrong from the get-go._
> 
> _I’ve been thinking, which I suppose is always a bad thing to do when you’re me, and I realised that I have no reason to hate myself. That I have no reason to feel alone or worthless, simply because I have not experience that mass pain that you have. Before you wonder, I know you’re Supergirl. No one has ever believed in me before, so there was no reason why two people did all of a sudden. It’s okay Kara. I could never hate you for not telling me, I could never hate you for keeping secrets, for I have some of my own._
> 
> _I’ve told you before that when I was thirteen I went through a period of utter self-hatred, I know you’ve seen the scars, so I don’t have to explain how bad it got. However, I told you I was better. The truth is, dear Kara, I never have. I’ve just gotten better at hiding it._
> 
> _You see, first I realised I was gay. This is unbecoming of a Luthor, as you very well know, so straight away I believed had a reason to hate myself. Then came the thoughts that I wasn’t good enough, and I suppose they never went away._
> 
> _My sweet darling Kara, I never expected anyone to love me for who I am, but you came along and showed me emotions that I never thought existed. You showed me a life I never thought I would have. If I’m being honest, I never thought I would make it to my 18th birthday, but here I am, still breathing. I’m still getting used to the idea of being alive. Really alive. And not just swimming around in a fish bowl with no destination. It’s odd. I cannot remember a time when I didn’t question everything._
> 
> _My sweet, innocent, Kara. If only you knew how much I wished I wasn’t alive. The thoughts in my brain swirl around._
> 
> _They are there all the time Kara, and I don’t know what to do. I feel so helpless and alone. What if I never get better? What if I’m never okay? Ah, there I go again with the questioning. It’s all I’ve ever known. I’ve never asked though. The questions stay firmly shut in my mind. It seems you will be the first person to ever know them…and hopefully the last._
> 
> _This letter is special Kara, please keep it to yourself. Even after… Just please Kara. I need you to answer these questions._
> 
> _Why me? – You came into my life and decided I was worth your time._
> 
> _Am I worth the effort? – I must be a lot to look after._
> 
> _Do you love me as I love you? – This one is to simply put this question at rest, I don’t wish to delve into it._
> 
> _Do I deserve to be alive? – Most of the time, I feel like I have no place here, I feel secluded and alone, and no one wants me to be present. But you? You make me feel like I’m special, like I have a place to belong. You seem as though you have the answers to all the questions I’ve been asking myself since I was a child._
> 
> _I once told myself I would wait till I’m 25 before I took my own life. Needless to say, I shall be turning 25 as you receive this letter. That’s not to say I haven’t tried before. But now I have a fool proof plan. Even I shouldn’t fail at this, even if I fail at everything else. I have given both L-Corp and CatCo to you. I know you love Catco, and I hope you always have a special place in your heart for L-Corp._
> 
> _For me._
> 
> _For now though, my darling Kara, I must say goodbye. You have offered me so much, even if I cannot give in return. This past year has been the best year of my life. I’m so glad I got to spend it with you._
> 
> _Yours forever,_
> 
> _Lena._


End file.
